Stonewalled Again

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I find myself so tired lately during this healing process I’m putting my body through. You know, the chemo drips and weekly shots…but they are kicking my RA in the tuchus. I love remembering to use a Yiddish word my grandma used. She spoke a lot of it with grampa. Given the vocal inflection, context and timing, it wasn’t hard to figure out even a smattering of what they thought I couldn’t possibly understand. Yiddish is a friendly, direct language. It’s not fluffy like Italian, or dripping with charisma like French. But I always enjoyed the sound of it. Okay, tomato vine. You won’t find that in google, but most chatty women do it. When you start off in one direction for a short ride and find you’ve gone way the hell out of your way…so far in fact no one is following you any longer. That’s a conversational tomato vine.

I’ve been napping. Just a few times; I literally couldn’t stay awake. On those nights I’d scrunch under the covers, grab the dog closer, and surf my phone in the twilight. I don’t surf the net. I only get on the laptop if I have to. I had a dream job, hmm, my last one in fact…for almost a decade where I worked solely on the desktop. In my jammies with steaming hot coffee and hustling two kidlets off to school then leisurely returning to work. It was the best. But I burned out my metaphorical ‘mouse’ and that was ten years ago. Well, things have changed and now that I know how to use the iPhone I’ve had for several years, I enjoy it.

Last night I struck gold. Remember I said I wished I had a checklist…? Well, I found one. Of course it’s a marriage one, but that’s my main issue right now. Chronic pain, incurable diseases and marriage to a very quiet, shy guy who keeps the lid on is a recipe for disaster. This one study by a pair of married geniuses  listed the four situations predictive of divorce if they are happening to you. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. I knew of the first three; he’s been playing those emotions for years. But the last one. The stonewalling. That’s what I’ve been doing. That scared me. I know I’ve been up to something different for me: instead of retaliation or reaction, I’ve been shutting down in fights. I felt as if I just wanted to run away (fight or flee) or get in the shower and scream (adrenaline rush during arguments). I mean, this article, this one paragraph, nailed it for me. Now I have to figure out the next plan of action. Most of our bad issues are perpetual, as in unresolvable, so I need to research that and get on it. Sadly, I’ve been down this road before with marriage therapy, and a few other choice moves I thought were good like running away, but I was always alone in those endeavors. I’ll be alone again now. By the way, the doctors are the Gottmans, and it’s some darn interesting stuff they found out. Be well. More to come.

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